No Greater Love
by Ace Trainer Sarah
Summary: Reid has some thinking to do, and visits a friend's grave. When he gets there, he runs into another old friend.


She had only been dead for two weeks. The ground was wet from rain. Reid knew it wasn't something he should make himself do.

He didn't care how illogical it was. Trekking through mud and crying was not something he did often, but for her it was worth it. He missed his best friend.

The decision to go was something he made in an instant. He was driving down the road and past the cemetery. She was in there, and he didn't want her to be alone now. She didn't deserve to be alone.

He could drive into the cemetery only so far before he set out on foot. His brown coat was getting wet with the water dripping off the trees around him. He knew which headstone to go to. During his walk there, he thought about all the times they had shared. That when he was in his dark place, she was there with him. She wanted to know what was wrong. Now she had problems with her past, and he couldn't do anything to help her.

There was a figure standing near where he thought her grave was. He thought it might have been a family member of hers or perhaps visiting a grave by hers. There was no telling who it was in the lighting he had; the rain had caused clouds to crowd the sky and the sun was hidden deep inside them. When he was close enough to see her grave, he realized the person was standing at hers, not someone else's.

He walked up next to the person, who he could now see was an older male. Reid had never met her father. Maybe he wanted to see his daughter.

"She was quite the person," Reid said, making conversation with the stranger.

"I remember, Reid," a familiar voice said.

Reid's eidetic memory took only a few seconds to search for the voice that came from the man's mouth. It was someone who he didn't want to talk to. Not when he was mourning her.

"I don't want to talk with you about her."

"Why not? Just a minute ago you were willing to make conversation with a stranger. Now that you know the person, you don't want to?"

"I'm just not willing to talk to you. That's not why I came here."

"You came here because you miss her."

"So why are you here?"

Reid turned to face the man he was talking to. He didn't want to be talking to him in front of her. He wanted his time with her to be spent with her, thinking, remembering.

"Reid, you know why I left."

"It took me a long time to figure it out. I questioned everything. _Everything_. And you know what? She was the one who held me together."

"I've aged a bit," Gideon said. "I've become wiser. I changed a lot."

"I don't care how much you changed. Back then, you left with only a note." Reid was hurt by Gideon trying to make things right. "If you wanted to tell me you changed why didn't you come to me instead of to…" he couldn't come to say her name.

"I came to apologize to her first." Gideon half smiled. "After I heard about her death, I knew I had to come back, at least to speak to the team. I know a lot's changed. I'm not asking for forgiveness, believe me, I'm not. I have spent years trying to justify my actions to myself. I spent years beating myself up over leaving and never looking back. I just want you to understand that I never wanted it to end this way."

"You really think I care what you _wanted_?"

"I know you do."

Reid stood there, not making eye contact, staring at the ground that was now her grave. "It's funny."

"What is?"

"She told me she thought she had done so many bad things, she was going to hell." It was Reid's turn to half smile at the memory. "If she even believed in hell."

"I think she did. Most people do before they die."

Reid didn't seem to hear Gideon. "She said she was going to hell, and she died protecting us. She died protecting the people that should have been protecting her."

"She died doing what she was trained to do."

"There is no training that can teach a person to ignore all the instincts that tell them to save their own lives, to throw everything away and give it up for someone they love."

"That's a wise piece of information there, Doctor Reid," Gideon said. "So what does that say about her relationship between the two of you?"

"She loved the whole team." A single tear fell down Reid's cheek, but his voice remained unwavering. "We were her family. She gave up her family when she ignored her mother's wishes. She gave it all up for us. We loved her. She loved us."

"But she loved you more than the rest, didn't she?"

"I don't know," Reid said, voice finally cracking. "But I know I loved her."

It was the first time Reid ever said that out loud. He had always held it in. When she was running away, trying to protect them all. When they were in the hospital waiting room, and JJ came in. He wanted to see her. If he couldn't tell her while she was alive, he was damn well at least going to say it to her face. He wasn't even allowed to do that.

_You don't want to see her now_. JJ had told him.

_I do! You don't understand! I love her…_ he wanted to yell. But he didn't. He kept it in.

"She meant everything to me."

"I know she did."

"No one understood," Reid said. "Everyone acted like they lost their best friend. Maybe they did. All I know is on March 7th I lost a lot more than my best friend. I lost almost everything."

"For a genius, you seem to have a hard time understanding all of this."

"You have no idea."

"Should I let you in on a secret?" Gideon said. "I talked to Hotch before I came here. I called him. He told me something."

"I doubt it will make me feel any better." Reid sighed. "It can't make me worse. Or understand anything. Go ahead, tell me."

"Perhaps you should ask him for yourself."

"Why would I do that?"

"Or maybe talk to Morgan. Hotch said he was working on figuring it out."

"What needs to be figured out?"

"More than you realize."

With that, Gideon turned. As it began to rain, he walked off away from the grave, leaving Reid standing over his lost lover. Holding back tears, he didn't try to stop Gideon from leaving. He didn't want to talk to him anymore. To him, all the questions he had always prepared in case he ran into him someday, they didn't matter. He didn't want to know anything. All he wanted was to see her again. To tell her everything he never got to tell her. To tell her he was fixing his head aches. He was trying. He was holding on. He was doing it all because he knew if he didn't, she wouldn't be happy with him. He just wanted everything to go back to the way it was two weeks ago. When he could protect her and tell her he loved her. But that wasn't going to happen.


End file.
